I don’t want to talk about it, but I might need to.

Where to begins?!

It’s getting even hard to think about words for this topic: I have so much to say, than I am afraid I will end up just by saying few words. Few, meaningful ones.

I don’t usually talk about sad things, unless I arrive at a limit where I explode and there is a need to talk to someone, maybe cry in front of someone..but still, being listened by someone.

I guess I reached that limit few hours ago…

And unfortunately I couldn’t talk to anybody, properly.

That is the reason why I am writing about it.

Well, let’s begin by saying “it’s life”:

Life is a game, and wether if you play it good or bad, you’ll end up suffering before leaving this world. I strongly agree when saying good people always suffer more. True. 

Unfortunately.

I have to say I grew up in a family where all the good manners, objectives, way of living and working, everything was set up and ready to pass down to each generation.

I grew up when my country was shining, when nothing was needed, when I couldn’t ask for more, but just being thankful to my parents and grandparents that made all that for me and my sister.

I actually didn’t have any reasons to find a job during the summer when 15 and keep working every summers, sometimes also when school already started.

My mom and my relatives used to tell me to work less and enjoying more when I had vacations, but I was enjoying myself also when working, even if the first year I was treated like s*** (being the youngest not professional waitress in a high class restaurant: I had to learn from A to Z). My grandma used to tell me: ” You are just following what your dad and grandpa did, as a true Petrilli (my family name)”  followed by a smile.  =)

Not just me, my sister did the same.. =)

We love working and we put a lot of passion on what we do, because we have always been taught that we don’t have to work to get a salary at the end of the month, but work for a cause, working diligently, work to grow up.

Well, of course, money at the end of the job was also a great satisfaction, we can’t hide this. But what is in between those days and months to reach that salary… that is more important: all the difficulties that come up at work, I had to face them by myself (there was no mom or dad to talk to my boss, but just a 15 years old girl facing the problems with a 40 years old boss). That’s a life lesson for sure.

That is to say that even if I didn’t need to get money by myself, I was kind of “forced” from inside to hurry up and work my ass to become like them (family), to become a proud for them. And now, we both, me and my sister, are their proud. But still there is a long way to go.. And luckily we can do it with them looking after us, from the sky.

Now I am in a kind of moment where all is wrong, or maybe it’s just on the way to be better, it’s just that I don’t realise it yet… however an other of my idols in life is leaving this world, I would say this unfair world: she is the strongest, kindest, simplest, purest, most careful woman I have ever met. EVER. She was always there for anybody.

She has always been good, and everybody in town knows her for her big heart and active personality. She was always here and there, there and here. At anytime. Snow, wind, rain, hot days…never mind: she was just going, as soon as someone called for some help. Her vehicle? her legs. 

One year ago she discovered to have a cancer (pancreas), after some months of good (but expensive) cures, doctors found an other cancer. And cures were more and more. She felt down and broke the femur, so she couldn’t reach the hospital in Rome to get the right cures but still… when she got back, she was fine. And cures took place again: every week my dad was driving her to Rome twice (my hometown is 2.5 hours driving to Rome). But doctors were always positive until today:

I’m not going to write what she has, but she knows, more than any doctors, that she will leave us soon.

She said she is tired (she would never have said that to us before).

I feel stupid wondering why all good, great people have to suffer like this… and i wonder it every single time that i see amazing people suffering like this or worse. I don’t have any answer to that, of course.  I can’t even be mad at this world… I just don’t know how to handle this. What can I say when I know my dad had done so many efforts to help her, to let her live as much as possible and I see my dad’s tired face smiling, but inside he is crying?! Even his voice looks calm, but I can feel all his pain.

I don’t know what I’m going to say when I see them.

When emotions are too big inside myself, I just shut up in front of people, and smile, like I do mean it.

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