The strength you wish to have is just inside yourself: take it out!

There is a lot of people who pass different hard times in the world:

There are families who are waiting for their soldiers to come back from the war, praying every single day for them;

There are people sitting next to a “hospital bed”, looking at the grey or white wall, thinking about their past, about the person that they are now sitting next to, who is just sleeping on that hospital bed and breathing only thanks to a machine;

And also…

There are young people around the world who escaped from their country, not to make the war, not to defend the country…but to find a way to create their future, to give birth to a new generation… to grow. They are young, dynamic, energetic with a passion to carry on, ALONE. They left the families, their parents, their friends, their life to look for a better future. They are in different countries, speaking an other language which they even didn’t know a word before, where they are struggling to do their best, to be satisfied and let their families being satisfied of what they are doing, let them being brave of their sons/daughters.

In those times, for those young people, sometimes, it is so difficult to go ahead: sometimes it is cause of the different culture, or cause of the difficult communication or just because you need to do everything by yourself, and I am not talking about washing the clothes, cooking, or cleaning the house…No! What I’m saying is that those young people need to start from ZERO: find a home, pay the home, find a job, do the basics… find friends, create a NEW LIFE. 

And believe me… it might sounds easy to do, but it is not!

You are born in a way… you need to adapt yourself to a new way. This is what makes you strong.

I am personally a very dynamic girl, who loves traveling, making new friends, new connections and sharing different cultures….but sometimes, I passed so many hard times where my mind started to be crazy; it started to say “you are nothing Feddy! you did nothing. You failed. You didn’t learn chinese, you didn’t learn how to communicate with chinese people, you didn’t learn how to think like them! You are alone, you’ll be always alone. 

I was totally depressed, due to the difficult language to learn, to the numbers of difficulties at work, working with a chinese computer and system, trying to read those chinese characters and being NOT able to finish my work soon. I was slow, and it was not me. I always had to ask for help.

Then I realized that it was not my mistake: I never studied chinese before, how could I expect to read and work on a chinese system just after 4 months i was living in China?! that was almost impossible to do.

The communication with my family in Italy was a problem too, as most of the social medias and apps are blocked  in China. I just could use Skype sometimes. But this is actually not a problem for me, not cause I don’t love them, just because I have a strong personality and I always strive to do things by my own. It was just in that moment, where I began to have panic attacks. It was a shock for me, I didn’t know myself in that way: I was completely hating me. 

I passed so many nights with the fear to die when closing my eyes. I needed my parents, my sister, my friends…I needed a hug from them, just one. A true one. But nobody was there.

One night, I went to a hospital (thanks to some foreign people I met during those days, which are now good friends of mine), after a block of my body: I couldn’t move anything for about 1 minute, just my eyes. My heart started to pulse so fast and I was totally afraid something bad was happening to me. 

The chinese doctor didn’t even visit me, he just said: your body knows how to solve the problem. You need to do it by yourself.

I was shocked again: the doctor didn’t want to help me?! As said, the communication was very difficult and we only shared sentences with the help of Google translator (and most of the times it was wrong). 

Anyway I survived… of course. It was an alarm from my body that I was too much stressed and nervous and the cause was just me, my mind. The doctor was RIGHT.

I started to do sport, yoga, trying to relax my mind…and after a couple of months I was changing my life. I was smiling to me. I started to have very good friends, foreigners and chinese ones. I started to study chinese characters during the nights, by myself.

I was going to work as a new Feddy. 

 

I still cry when thinking about that time, but thanks to my grandfather who appeared on my dreams, thanks to the ones I love and thanks to my personal strength, that I didn’t know I had, I could have gone ahead. Even with no direct hugs. 🙂

To all the people around the world who are suffering to be lonely, I would like to say that: “YOU ARE NOT LONELY, wherever you are. People love you, you are doing a great job!

Cry now and smile tomorrow!”

 

 

 

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