If You Could See Us Now

Becoming an adult is not easy, growing up alone in places that are not your home neither.

I don’t know how I ended up doing this life, here and there, always running, in the need of do something good and different, to be proud of myself and let my family be proud of me.

Behind all these flights, change of countries, change of people and cultures there is someone who was a very unique person, a bit cold apparently, but kind-hearted with everyone. He always supported me: the girl who never shuts up in front of something she considers to be wrong and consequently get the image of being arrogant and aggressive.

Well, I guess this girl is just his copy, female version.

This time I feel to write something to him “directly” and publicly, though I am not usually comfortable to talk about it. Tears are easy to come up when I hear his name and it’s the only time I can’t control them.

To my Grandpa:

I am not sure if other people have this kind of special feeling with a grandparent, but I am happy to have you always in my mind, like your son. 

I am now 27 and it’s been 8 years since I saw that first and last tear on your face when I told you:”Dad is coming, wait for him”.

Last time we smiled together was for your 50th anniversary with grandma, where we all were thinking you survived a bad cancer, and only one and a half month later, that f*** cancer came back all of a sudden to steal you from us, from not seeing your girls growing up and building their own lives. 

If you only could see us now.  Somehow I’m sure you do wherever you are. You can see how great Simona is: sweet, strong, hard worker, and how many people she let smile everyday. 

You can see me, addicted to food, music, flights and always in need of something more not to get bored.  =P  Besides this, I accomplished lots of important tasks, and all this thanks to the image of you that never left my mind. 

When dad had his illness and the world just crashed on me again, at that time I stopped going to university, going out, eating, couldn’t sleep anymore… Always with the fear of dying during the nights. Wondering if young people can fall in something I was afraid to admit to myself: something called depression. And yes, it’s possible. They can. 

But one night, you appeared on my dream, and I confessed this to only one person at that time, to your dear wife: I still remember, it was a dream where I was sad and wanted to end my life, you took me to a room with a shining light coming from the opposite door. You went there, looked at me and smiled. And I know I didn’t have to follow you.

The next morning I woke up, and  went back to University. Suddenly, life became liveable again. 

From that point on, your positive halo always helped me to go on and on, no matter how lonely I was feeling, how far from home I was, how many difficulties I had to face. It was all possible, still is and always will be. 

Thank you for giving me the example of how I want to be in the future. I’m working on it and hopefully, one day, I can inspire and give strength to someone else too. 

Yours,

Fede

 

 

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